For now..

I've been trying to look for Soc's profile with hopes that I can download the other pictures of our Dalaguete trip. I finally found my way to her multiply page and no pictures (yet, I hope) but after reading some of her blogs, I think I can now look at her not as a coach and team partner but as a person. I love her for her sweet blog about the team. I loved it! Read it HERE.

The one you'll read below is also one of her blog entries. If I wasn't pre-occupied with my loss at that time, I would have written something like this. Although it may not be as beautiful..

losing my first love
this is a repost from my old blog, the original entry of the same title dated 12-22-05.

i couldn't remember the date when we first met. but the scenes are still very vivid in my mind .
you have been anticipating our arrival. yeah , my sister was with me that day , and we were to spend the whole summer in your place . i was excited and nervous at the same time because i heard a lot of things about you . then our eyes met, you had a good tan and they said its because of the long hours of swimming in the beach just a few meters away . the look in your face struck me , there was compassion , you seemed at lost for words , your eyes said so much that i cant even start to comprehend .
you were sitting beside the millstone and as i slowly inched my way to you, the serenity of your face was broken by the huge smile and you hugged me. yes you did . you hugged me real tight it hurts.
" im sorry this has to happen to you, don't worry , even if he left you , i will always be here . . ." and you cant go on , your voice was choked with tears , and maybe you forgot, but you were still hugging me and i almost cried , you havent realized your hugging me too tight it hurts ! i was almost out of air.
you're a man of medium build , they said you used to be very tall and strong until the last stroke you suffered . but it never mattered to me . i am convinced i am in love . i was 9 years old and i fell deeply in love with you . i told myself , even if i my father left us , its fine , i got you and i'm content .
i accompany you every sunday to church and everybody would glance our way , maybe because it's the first time they saw me , having been born and raised in the city.
we would hold each other's hand and i find it funny that i'm walking a little bit faster than you do .
i missed those days.
that year was especially difficult for all of us. for months you stayed in the hospital, but as usual you never lost your humor inspite of the pain and frustration you were going thru . it was painful to see you lie in bed the whole time and not see the clouds or feel the cool sea wind that you used to enjoy. you can't take pleasure in the seawater anymore and it really makes us all sad that you cant do the thing you've always loved to do - swimming, but we still had a grand time talking. you were a great storyteller. well, you've always been . and we all loved you for it.

and how can i forget? it was two years ago today when you finally said farewell to the world who had been so generous yet cruel to you . I couldn't forget how i cried when you were finally laid to rest knowing that i won't be able to see you for the rest of my life. Knowing the heavens would be wide open when you get there, is my only consolation . the world is just so unfortuante to lose you. and heaven is now more heavenly because you're there.

i just want to tell you how sorry i am for not being there with the rest of your grandchildren on this very special day .

i love you Lolo. you know how much i love you . i always will.

From my blogsite.. Friday, December 28, 2007
Yesterday was our family's mass for our Lolo who passed away a little over a year ago. It's called Hukas Lalaw, if my memory serves me right. I have the pictures on my camera and they're all candid. I might post them sometime soon. Everybody was sad and it's evident on the pictures but it was because we all miss him and wish he was there with us. To see us all happy and enjoying our youngest cousin's tantrums. I have a lot of fond memories of my Lolo and everything that I felt back then are all on my journal which I avoid reading. I cried my heart out back then and I'd cry basically anywhere. It still makes me cry to this day. That's why I have to end this now or I might embarass myself amidst these rugrats playing online games.

If not for the fact that I'm at Ryan's place, I'd probably curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But it's too embarrassing. I shed a tear and that's all. For now..

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