Anxiety Attack

Last post: March 5, 2011
Date today: October 21, 2014

 

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Last post: August, 21, 2009
Date today: March 5, 2011

I can't believe it had been that long since the last time I sat down to blog. It took me an hour to retrieve my login information and for a minute I thought I'll forever lose this space. I can make thousands of excuses but that's just a waste of energy. So.... What have I been up to since then?
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My intro today would be the same except it only took me about a minute to figure out my login info. I honestly don't know if there are actually people reading my posts or if anyone is still visiting this site apart from the spammers which made the page view up to 19K something. If there are legit people and if they're waiting for me to post something new, I apologize for being too lazy. My life had been just about work for the past three years, of course with the occassional family and friends activities, thus uneventful and not blog-worthy. I did try a mini-blog on my Facebook account but it was just me ranting about doing laundry LOL.

 

The only reason I thought about logging in today is because of my anxiety and the lack of a person who I can actually talk to and who I feel wouldn't be bored. I am currently in my hometown. Today is the last day of my week-long vacation for the Masskara festival. I will be flying back to Cebu tomorrow morning. And I will just have about a week with Ryan before he leaves for Singapore. He left for a 2-week vacation/job hunting trip last week of August through first week of September. He didn't get a job while he was there but would love to go back and try his luck. He resigned from the company where we worked together and it saddens me. I think this is where all the anxiety is coming from.

 

I have been so used to seeing him almost everyday at work, except of course at home since we're living in. I am so used to calling him when he's away so he can come to me for whatever. I'm so used to eating together, sleeping beside him, goofing around, driving around the city.. Basically doing everything together. I was totally against this decision but just like any other man in their mid-30's, he's actually thinking about the future already. He should've done that a long time ago, yes, but he was having fun living each day as they came. I guess that one line that made me agree to his decision was, "I'm not getting any younger and at my age, I still can't afford to buy you a ring.." --- I know the pressure is taking its toll on him. I don't want him to deal with the what-might-have-beens so I gave him the go signal to submit his resignation letter. In fact, I was the one who hit the sent button.

 

I'm excited to spend the next few days with him as his return is uncertain at this point. But I don't want to mess it up again by crying every chance I get and him pitying over me and eventually deciding not to push through. Afterall, he doesn't have a job to go back to. They have filled the position the day after he left.
 

I don't know. This is not a good way to go back to blogging but this site was put up for this very reason. For me to have an outlet for my non-sense thoughts.

 

Oh well, I'm just going to enjoy my last day here with the family. I will be back for the new year celebration in a couple of months but it still suck being torn between work-love and family. Sometimes I wish I never left my hometown and got myself a laid-back job here. Ugh, SML.

 

I guess that's all for now. 'til my next boredom.. And oh, sorry for the grammar slips, I'm free writing..

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