Anxiety Attack

It's 03:30am. At 6am I'll have the manager's certification which our company calls TIER/IETR. T for Teach, I for Interact, E for Evaluate and R for Review. I'm confident I can do it but I still have a few things that I'm nervous about. I've heard a lot of manager's on the floor have cried because of brat and kulit trainers who'd really give you a hard time. I feel like taking a dump and I want to go to the restroom to throw up and I want to pee every 5 minutes. I think I'm halfway thru one pack of Marlboro. I've read the material at least a hundred times and I'm still nervous. Same feeling when I had my thesis defense.. when we faced our previous CEO for a meeting.. same feeling when I was waiting for the confirmation of a closed deal. Aaarrrggghhh! I can do this! Hahahahahaha!

I'm supposed to do side-by-side evaluations today but I'll wait until I'm done with my certification. I left Coach Soc to take care of the team while I deal with my cold feet. I wonder now how the team is doing with QA Clau not around, hehehehe. Modesty aside, they call me for everything. Be it an escalation, a question or they just wanted to talk while waiting for the next call. Geez, I don't like this feeling. I wish I can pull the time so I can get this over and done with.

Tomorrow would be a day of celebration. Pau and Gen's birthday celebration and hopefully my certification.. I still have to drop by the place I heard have rooms for rent before I go to Ayala to buy my contribution to the party. I know we'll have a blast later. Earlier, me and my agents met up for some eating and shopping at SM and I brought along Ryan's sister 'coz I know she's bored as hell at their house while waiting for her papers to be processed so she can fulfill her dream of working abroad as a nurse. Too bad Ryan came too early so I had to leave them. Guys, wait for the pix.. I forgot to upload it earlier. I wasn't even able to sleep well because of this darn certification. I gotta go. I need more cigs! Wish me luck!

--> It's now 07:30am. It's over. I was certified with good feedback.Ü Me happy!

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Yadayadayada..

I could talk about the pain in the ass loser in the office who seems to be making me the scapegoat of his mediocrity but it's a waste of time. Sooo... Let's talk about pleasant things.Ü Ryan got himself a 19" flatscreen monitor and I'm loving it! With his savings all drained out because of the car repair and his other computer must-have's, I wonder if it's gonna be a merry xmas..

Yesterday I went house hunting with Pau (my previous rep, now a SME or subject matter expert) and Rhiza d tomboy (still my agent). I want to move to a cheaper place because I'm never home nowadays. I usually hang out at any of my agents' place or here at Ryan's. We were unlucky though. If it's a "no vacancy", it's "ladies only" and I don't like it - 'coz I can't afford to be in a place that would not allow my bf inside my room. That's just wrong, if you know what I mean. I'm getting desperate. It's been 3 months of putting it off and I really, really need to move out before the 31st so I need not pay for next month. I'll try again and if there's none by the 29th, then I guess I'll have wait until new year to move out. Sigh.

I'm still waiting for sleep to come and I found myself looking for baby videos again. I found this instead. She's now 7 years old - Connie Talbot. Same sweet voice but not as baby as she was first seen in Britain's Got Talent. She still gives me goosebumps when she sings. Here she is in her US Debut at the Ellen Degeneres Show with grown front teeth. Kyuuuuut!

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For now..

I've been trying to look for Soc's profile with hopes that I can download the other pictures of our Dalaguete trip. I finally found my way to her multiply page and no pictures (yet, I hope) but after reading some of her blogs, I think I can now look at her not as a coach and team partner but as a person. I love her for her sweet blog about the team. I loved it! Read it HERE.

The one you'll read below is also one of her blog entries. If I wasn't pre-occupied with my loss at that time, I would have written something like this. Although it may not be as beautiful..

losing my first love
this is a repost from my old blog, the original entry of the same title dated 12-22-05.

i couldn't remember the date when we first met. but the scenes are still very vivid in my mind .
you have been anticipating our arrival. yeah , my sister was with me that day , and we were to spend the whole summer in your place . i was excited and nervous at the same time because i heard a lot of things about you . then our eyes met, you had a good tan and they said its because of the long hours of swimming in the beach just a few meters away . the look in your face struck me , there was compassion , you seemed at lost for words , your eyes said so much that i cant even start to comprehend .
you were sitting beside the millstone and as i slowly inched my way to you, the serenity of your face was broken by the huge smile and you hugged me. yes you did . you hugged me real tight it hurts.
" im sorry this has to happen to you, don't worry , even if he left you , i will always be here . . ." and you cant go on , your voice was choked with tears , and maybe you forgot, but you were still hugging me and i almost cried , you havent realized your hugging me too tight it hurts ! i was almost out of air.
you're a man of medium build , they said you used to be very tall and strong until the last stroke you suffered . but it never mattered to me . i am convinced i am in love . i was 9 years old and i fell deeply in love with you . i told myself , even if i my father left us , its fine , i got you and i'm content .
i accompany you every sunday to church and everybody would glance our way , maybe because it's the first time they saw me , having been born and raised in the city.
we would hold each other's hand and i find it funny that i'm walking a little bit faster than you do .
i missed those days.
that year was especially difficult for all of us. for months you stayed in the hospital, but as usual you never lost your humor inspite of the pain and frustration you were going thru . it was painful to see you lie in bed the whole time and not see the clouds or feel the cool sea wind that you used to enjoy. you can't take pleasure in the seawater anymore and it really makes us all sad that you cant do the thing you've always loved to do - swimming, but we still had a grand time talking. you were a great storyteller. well, you've always been . and we all loved you for it.

and how can i forget? it was two years ago today when you finally said farewell to the world who had been so generous yet cruel to you . I couldn't forget how i cried when you were finally laid to rest knowing that i won't be able to see you for the rest of my life. Knowing the heavens would be wide open when you get there, is my only consolation . the world is just so unfortuante to lose you. and heaven is now more heavenly because you're there.

i just want to tell you how sorry i am for not being there with the rest of your grandchildren on this very special day .

i love you Lolo. you know how much i love you . i always will.

From my blogsite.. Friday, December 28, 2007
Yesterday was our family's mass for our Lolo who passed away a little over a year ago. It's called Hukas Lalaw, if my memory serves me right. I have the pictures on my camera and they're all candid. I might post them sometime soon. Everybody was sad and it's evident on the pictures but it was because we all miss him and wish he was there with us. To see us all happy and enjoying our youngest cousin's tantrums. I have a lot of fond memories of my Lolo and everything that I felt back then are all on my journal which I avoid reading. I cried my heart out back then and I'd cry basically anywhere. It still makes me cry to this day. That's why I have to end this now or I might embarass myself amidst these rugrats playing online games.

If not for the fact that I'm at Ryan's place, I'd probably curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But it's too embarrassing. I shed a tear and that's all. For now..

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Embarrassing Me..

Here I am again in Ryan's computer room updating my online networking pages while waiting for him to come back home [his mom asked him to do something] and I decided to read my older blogs and I'm a little embarassed about some of the things I've said. I hated how confident I was about GR and how we can be fuckin' rock stars and eventually blogging about the closure of the company and how our homophobic/asshole/control-freak/bi-polar ex-boss ruined our once semi-organized lives. I still blog about non-sense things but I honestly think I was worse a few months back. Now that it's done, I realized my blogs about American Idol were really annoying. Ryan, you were right about temporarily removing me from your contact list, LOL. I would have done the same thing. New year is still over a month away but I firmly resolve [murag confession..] that I'll keep my worthless ideas to myself, hahahahaha! Maybe I was wrong about throwing away my journal and using it as a notebook for training. Oh, and one more thing.. I had sooo much petiks time back then to blog because there were times that I don't feel like being a rock star [sa mga kasabot lang..] Ü Ok, I'll stop now 'coz I feel I'm being non-sense again. One thing I can't stop doing though is sharing baby videos. Watch this cute baby..

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Whew!

Finally, this site is up again. I've been posting my blogs in Multiply eversince I had a problem with blogspot not posting my new entries. I've always posted here and put parts of it in Multiply, directing them to this site. The good thing about Multiply though is most of my friends have set-up an account there and so my posts are easily seen and read, thus the comments. But I still love this space more 'coz I had set it up myself and I gave more effort editing the widgets and all to my liking. Problem though is, I haven't had much time nowadays to blog. We don't have access to anything in the office except work-related sites. And even if I was once a TRON, my powers are not enough to penetrate the IT restrictions in the office, hehehehe. Besides, I don't think I stand a chance. It's a financial account, i.e. credit cards, so security is on top of everything.

Friendster was down. Most of my friends said their friends' list was wiped out. I just logged in and everything's the same. I guess they've fixed it.

So wha's up with me? Check the pix and videos HERE to know what I've been up to lately. I enjoy my current job. It's pretty stressful with the deliverables and all but my agents' craziness takes away my worries. I don't think an hour would pass by each working day that we're not laughing and insulting each other. Most of them are in the hospital these past few days. I don't know what exactly is going on but I can only hope I don't get the virus. Other than work... Last Nov. 12 was Ryan's birthday. Nov. 15 was my father's birthday. Today's is Vanessa's birthday. Lots of birthdays, LOL.

I'm currently in Ryan's computer room. I've been here for about an hour already. I came here yesterday with him. I was supposed to go back to the city last night for some partying with my agents but I completely forgot about it and I dozed off. Ryan woke me up at 11PM with a call from them and all I heard were curses and how they'd kick my ass if I don't come. Aren't they adorable? I said I'll tell Ryan and I'll just text them. But I dozed off again and when I called them back at around 4AM, most of them were already drunk so I just told them we'll plan our next team building and I'll make sure I can come. Contrary to what most people think, my boyfriend doesn't stop me from going out with my friends. He's okay with everything except my smoking. So team, stop blaming him. If I say I'm not coming, it's my decision. I gotta go now. I have to take a bath. He's on his way home from work. Ciao!

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Glogster

Me and my langga. If you care, the bigger version is HERE.

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Ka Kyuuut!!!

Do you remember Connie Talbot of Britain's Got Talent? Well, their american counterpart had one just like her. Equally cute and talented.. Meet, Kaitlyn Asley Maher. And she made me cry too.. =(

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